“You just always have to be healthy.”
A former co-worker used to snarkily say this to me at each group work meal every time I ordered a salad or one thing else vegetarian, which I used to be on the time. She at all times stated it in a approach that instructed she perceived what was on my plate as an insult to no matter she ate. It wasn’t, after all.
Her fixed feedback about what I ate often led others within the group to chortle and ask me dozens of questions on my meals. Why was I consuming this and never that? Was I on a food regimen? All of the questioning and discuss what I ate for lunch made me so self-conscious that I skipped these group lunches every time attainable.
The behavior of commenting on what others eat is widespread, stated Heather Baker, a licensed medical social employee and founding father of Prosperity Consuming Issues and Wellness Heart in Herndon, Virginia. “It’s a way to forge a connection with someone else,” Baker stated. “Food is this universal commonality that we share, so it’s only natural that we have this desire to comment on it.”
However doing so might be dangerous, she added.
“Comments about food and eating can be difficult for someone with an eating disorder or someone who is anxious about eating with others,” Dr. Evelyn Attia, a psychiatrist and director of the Heart for Consuming Issues at New York-Presbyterian Westchester Behavioral Health, instructed HuffPost.
Attia stated these remarks — even when they’re well-meaning — could make some folks really feel judged, shamed and self-conscious.
Specialists say when doubtful, it’s finest to keep away from commenting on what others eat. Right here’s why, which statements are particularly dangerous, and what to do in case you typically hear some of these feedback.
Why You Shouldn’t Remark On What Others Eat
The straightforward reply: You by no means know what another person goes by way of and why they’re consuming what they’re consuming, Brittney Lauro, lead therapist at consuming dysfunction remedy platform Equip, instructed HuffPost.
Somebody could possibly be coping with or recovering from an consuming dysfunction, for instance, and Lauro stated remarking on how wholesome they’re consuming or that they’re “being good” by consuming greens may come throughout as reward for his or her situation.
Individuals may also have well being circumstances the place dietary modifications, akin to giving up gluten or going plant-based, are crucial, defined Melissa Preston, a licensed skilled counselor, registered dietitian and co-founder at Omni Counseling and Diet in Denver, Colorado.
Past well being, folks from completely different cultures might have skilled shaming round what they eat up to now, and feedback may cause these emotions to resurface, Preston added.
The underside line is, Baker stated, “There’s no way of knowing how someone will interpret a comment about food, even if there are good intentions behind it.”
Tetra Pictures by way of Getty Pictures
6 Things You Should Never Say To People You’re Dining With
While Lauro said she believes most comments about what others eat are well-meaning, she said, generally, it’s best to avoid remarking on it. Here are some phrases that you should never say to the people you’re dining with:
“I would never eat ___.”
Pointing out how you avoid eating whatever is on someone’s plate, for whatever reason, could make them feel shamed, Preston said. It also reinforces diet culture and can seem like you’re comparing your body to theirs, Baker added, especially if you say something like, “I could never eat that much sugar, or I’d gain weight.”
“You’re not going to eat all of that, are you?”
Statements like this can make someone feel judged about their eating choices, Attia said. Also, avoid commenting on your own plate size or fullness—“I ate too much,” for instance — which might make someone feel self-conscious about what they ate, Baker said.
“Oh, you’re being good (or bad) today.”
Avoid labeling foods as “good” or “bad” or “healthy” or “unhealthy,” Lauro said. For example, if you say, “Isn’t that unhealthy to eat for breakfast,” it could foster a sense of shame and be triggering for some people. She emphasized the “all foods fit” concept, meaning there’s room for all foods in someone’s diet. “Nothing’s off limits unless, of course, you have a food allergy,” she said.
“Are you dieting?”
“Never comment on how food is going to affect someone’s body,” such as gaining or losing weight, Preston said. On the flip side, avoid talking negatively about your own appearance in relation to what you eat in the presence of others, Lauro added.
“I live by a phrase that I often hear in my field: ‘My appearance is the least interesting thing about me,’” Lauro said. “There’s so many more topics that we can cover.”
“You look healthy.”
This might sound like a compliment, but Baker said it could be misinterpreted by someone with an eating disorder as implying that they gained weight, which can “start a spiral of negative self-talk.”
She said, “Instead, do comment on the aspects of the person’s personality or self-hood that you are noticing more and are grateful to reconnect with.”
“That looks good.”
This is a tricky one. In some cases, it could be harmless. But Preston said some people, especially those in eating disorder recovery, don’t want any attention drawn to their meals.
“Letting someone know that their food looks delicious can be experienced as a message that suggests they are indulging in their choice of food or not valuing health in their food choices,” Attia said.
How To Respond To What Others Say About What You Eat
If you hear these kinds of comments often and they bother you, Attia suggested developing a strategy for responding and coping. This might differ depending on your relationship with the person and how comfortable you feel addressing remarks head-on.
First, avoid agreeing with the commentator and joining in labeling foods or discussing whether or not you should be eating it, Preston said. “That’s what the person is expecting as a response, comments like, ‘I shouldn’t be eating that.’”
Often, changing the subject is the best strategy. When someone says, “That looks really healthy,” say, “Oh, it tastes really good,” Preston suggested. That takes the attention off the health aspect.
Redirecting can help, too, Lauro said. When someone brings up something you don’t want to discuss, ask them about something completely unrelated, such as Beyoncé’s new country album or another current event.
If you feel comfortable being direct, Baker said to simply say, “Can we not talk about food or our bodies?”
Lauro said to always be kind to yourself, set boundaries and know your limits regarding what you’re comfortable (and not comfortable) discussing.
Should you’re fighting an consuming dysfunction, name or textual content 988 or chat 988lifeline.org for assist.
