Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Every parent wants to raise responsible, well-mannered children, and discipline is an important part of that process. However, many parents confuse discipline with abuse, often believing that harsh punishments will “fix” a child’s behavior. Excessive punishment can do more harm than good.
In my upcoming book, Parents, Obey Your Children: From Authority to Partnership, I dive deep into this issue, exploring how parents can shift from a mindset of control to one of guidance. Let’s talk about why discipline sometimes crosses the line into abuse and how parents can avoid making that mistake.
What Is Discipline? What Is Abuse?
Discipline is about teaching. It helps children understand the difference between right and wrong and learn from their mistakes. Healthy discipline includes clear expectations, consequences, and corrections done with love and patience.
Abuse, on the other hand, is when punishment becomes too harsh causing physical or emotional harm rather than teaching a lesson. It can be physical (like excessive spanking), verbal (like constant yelling or insults), or emotional (like ignoring or humiliating a child). While some parents believe in “tough love,” constant harsh treatment often leads to fear and resentment rather than respect and growth.
Practical Examples: Where Parents Go Wrong
Let’s look at some real-life scenarios where discipline crosses the line
1. Spanking vs. Beating
a. Discipline: A parent lightly taps a child’s hand after they repeatedly reach for a dangerous object.
b. Abuse: A parent beats a child severely with a belt for spilling a drink.
A controlled, reasonable correction teaches awareness. A severe beating only causes pain and fear.
2. Timeout vs. Isolation
a. Discipline: A child is asked to sit quietly for five minutes to reflect on their misbehavior.
b. Abuse: A child is locked in a dark room for hours without food.
Timeouts give children space to think. Isolation, especially in extreme forms, damages trust and emotional health.
3. Firm Talk vs. Insults
a. Discipline: A parent says, “I’m disappointed in your behavior. Let’s talk about how you can do better.”
b. Abuse: A parent yells, “You’re useless! You’ll never amount to anything!”
Words matter. Correction should focus on the behavior, not destroying the child’s self-worth.
Why Parents Confuse the Two
Many parents repeat the discipline styles they experienced growing up. If they were beaten harshly as children, they may see it as normal. Others discipline out of frustration, not realizing they are venting their own emotions rather than teaching a lesson.
Some also believe fear equals respect. But true respect comes from love and understanding, not fear of punishment. A child who fears their parents may obey in the short term but rebel later when they have the freedom to do so.
Discipline should shape a child’s character, not break their spirit. Parents must recognize the difference between correction and cruelty. If we truly want to raise responsible, emotionally strong children, we must move from an approach of authority and fear to one of guidance and partnership.
In Parents, Obey Your Children: From Authority to Partnership, I go deeper into this conversation, offering practical solutions for parents who want to discipline effectively without causing harm. The book will be available on March 4th at Barnes & Noble. Let’s change the way we parent. One lesson at a time.
By Charles Sam
